Thursday, November 4, 2010

Robin Woulda Shoulda Coulda

robin hood weekend

Finally saw the big cinematic blockbuster of the Summer, Robin Hood, which we didn't dare pay cabbage for after all the dark warnings floating through the mists of rumor. Would have benefited greatly from better writing and casting. I've got a bald head so that makes me evil, two bald peoples makes two evils! Plus I wear a flowy black cape with a threatening eagle on it watch out MF, watch how the eagle threatens you too, he's evil, I look like a roadie for Marylin Manson, I'm eeeeevil!

His merrymen could have been anybody pulled out of an East Village Dive Bar, "I want the big one, the bearded one, and the red head!" I can hear the big dumb oaf now, "I'm in a fuckin movie with Russell fuckin Crowe!!!"

I wouldn't even call what they did acting, I can hear LJ's (Little John's) retort now, "yeah but I am playing a big dumb guy!!" no shithead you ARE just a big dumb guy.

There was nothing smart about this movie and nothing smart about the casting, all stereotype. Russell Crowe as uninspired middle aged slacker, he couldn't have led me to the bank to offer me the oversize pay he got for this movie. Cate Blanchett, the usual hint at manliness in a dress, you want me but I'll kill you. The dagger was in the back of the bald perverts head before you even had time to cough up your over buttered popcorn or at least feel some kind of remorse, at least give me time to hate the bastard! The stereotypical old blind fart and overcompensating egomanic midget King, my crown's bigger than I am! I stick slutty French women in your face to prove that I'm a man! A little man.

Burning barns full of people you didn't get to know or care about, ah hell let 'em burn, even the baby wrapped like a football being handed off to a running back could have stayed in there, it looked more like a pigskin than an infant. Russell Crowe's big white horse that was sort of like an aging business man's purchase of a new Cadillac STS, "I may be retired and fired but look at my wheels!" The Showpiece. The ending stated that "now the story begins", lets hope so because I feel as empty as an alcoholics Jim Beam bottle after this one.

Too bad because there was great cinematography and scenes. Beautiful mist enshrouded beech forests full of stumbling idiots who couldn't act. Of course I couldn't act if I were given a script taken from a first grade reader. What a goddamn shame.

1 comment:

cindy said...

i love your reviews and glad we didn't spend our precious $ going to see this one ... the movies are expensive!